I have a list of experiments that I want to do. One such item is actively trying to love someone whom I deeply disliked.
A day came when I was forced to do it.
It started one day when I got a call from a friend of mine. Within a minute of exchanging pleasantries, he invited me to an event. I did not have any interest in the event. I heard from other friends that he had been reaching out to them also. He is someone who would not normally call me. I politely refused. He insisted that I went as it was a rare event and something I should go to. I shared my plan to spend the time hiking and being outdoors. He still kept on pushing. When nothing was working, he made some comments which crossed the line. This was the tipping point for me. I passionately wanted to hate him.
After the call, I kept on playing it in my head. I played the image about what I should have said. I kept on stewing on it.
At this the time – I suddenly membered the experiment I wanted to do.
Can I love him when I want to hate him so badly?
When I started thinking, my initial reaction was that he should not have shown utter disrespect. He should have been sensitive to my need. However, I could not proceed due to one of my commitments to myself. I want to live my life without using the word “should”. So that line of argument had no place in my way of thinking. He said what he thought was true and important.
Everyone has the right to think the way he or she wants to. I felt disrespected based on his action which is his choice. I do not have any authority to set any rule on that.
This line of thinking took me to a level below our identity.
I looked at him as another human being. We are the same. We all have our unique journeys. We are trying to do the best we can based on whatever we have, our beliefs, and our understanding. Individual expressions just look different. I found that at that level we are closer to each other. It is my ego that did not like him as it feels threatened
I felt that I would be nurturing the ego if I kept on holding on to my frustration and anger. I would miss seeing the beautiful truth of our oneness – and the mystery of our wonderful existence.
This thought took away the gall that was inside me. My anger started dissolving and I started to feel calm. I could not hate him anymore now.
The question then was why I was angry.
I was angry because I felt deeply disrespected.
I know that nobody cares for others. I have thought about it and I have written about it. This necessarily meant that I do not care for him. I care about what he meant to me.
So, it is not about him – it is about something in me. He has helped me to see what my insecurities are. He was showing something in me only.
I need to feel respected. His behavior was a threat to my own need. My anger was the instinctive reaction to his behavior.
It started to be interesting then.
I started to see something I did not see earlier.
He indirectly showed me that I wanted to protect my ego. I valued feeling good and, in the process, I might not realize that there may be other people in my life who were not being rude to me. They could feel the same way except that they never expressed it explicitly. It allowed me to see my other relations without bias.
I had another major realization.
In the past, I would completely reject him and would avoid him completely.
Allowing myself to look at him as another human being, I could see his good qualities. He was pursuing a goal and career that was important to him. He was passionately doing what he believed in. I slowly started feeling a love for him.
In hatred, I was rejecting him completely. But now with love – I can see that he has many great qualities. I could see that he is making a difference to a lot of people in the world.
Conclusion
Loving someone who makes us feel bad is not our instinct. Yet when we are willing to love when we want to hate – our lives get enriched in many ways. It shows our internal reality. It shows how we might not be seeing something because someone did not press a button. It allows us to see that we can all coexist despite our differences. We may not be liking others but there is always a place where we can love. We can appreciate the great qualities of others.
My ego still comes my way in many of my interactions and I still want to passionately hate some people. But I now know that my instinct is trying to protect me.
I can always love when I want to hate passionately.
